Ethical non-monogamy (ENM) has moved from the margins of relationship discourse to mainstream conversation over the past decade. It now appears in academic journals, mainstream media, and relationship therapy practices around the world. Yet for many couples encountering the term for the first time, it can seem either exotic or overwhelming. This guide cuts through the noise and gives you a clear, honest map of what ENM actually is.

What "Ethical Non-Monogamy" Actually Means

Ethical non-monogamy is an umbrella term for any relationship structure in which partners have explicit, consensual agreements to have romantic or sexual connections with people outside their primary partnership. The key word is "ethical" — meaning that all partners are aware of and consent to the arrangement. It is the opposite of infidelity, not a sophisticated version of it.

Research from the Kinsey Institute at Indiana University estimates that approximately 4–5% of adults in the United States are currently in some form of consensually non-monogamous relationship, with around 20% having tried it at some point. More recent surveys, including a 2023 YouGov poll, found that nearly 1 in 3 American adults consider their ideal relationship to be non-monogamous in some form. European data shows similar trends, with the Netherlands, Germany, and Scandinavia reporting particularly high rates of ENM practice.

The Main Models

Swinging (Lifestyle Couples)

Swinging — or "the lifestyle" — typically refers to couples who engage in recreational sexual and social experiences with other couples, usually with the primary couple remaining the central, most important relationship. The emphasis in swinging is on the couple's shared experience rather than individual outside relationships. Partners swing together, with rules about what is and is not acceptable varying by couple.

Polyamory

Polyamory involves having multiple romantic and/or sexual relationships simultaneously, with the knowledge and consent of all involved. Unlike swinging, polyamory can involve deep emotional connections with additional partners. It comes in many forms: hierarchical polyamory (with a "primary" couple and additional "secondary" partners), non-hierarchical polyamory, and relationship anarchy (which rejects hierarchical labels altogether).

Open Relationships

Open relationship is a broad term that typically means a primary couple who have agreed that one or both partners may have sexual or romantic connections with others. The specific rules — what is allowed, with whom, and how much is shared — are defined by each couple individually. An open relationship might be highly structured ("we can each have one outside partner per quarter") or loosely defined ("we can pursue individual connections as long as we communicate").

Monogamish

A term coined by sex columnist Dan Savage, "monogamish" describes relationships that are predominantly monogamous but with agreed-upon, occasional exceptions. A couple might have a standing agreement that one-off experiences with others are acceptable under specific circumstances, while maintaining a mostly exclusive relationship day-to-day. This is one of the most common ENM arrangements in practice, even when couples do not use the formal terminology.

What Research Says About ENM Relationships

A growing body of peer-reviewed research has examined outcomes in ENM relationships. A 2021 study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that ENM individuals reported relationship satisfaction and commitment levels comparable to those in monogamous relationships. A 2020 study in the Archives of Sexual Behavior found no significant difference in psychological wellbeing between ENM and monogamous individuals.

Research consistently identifies the same predictors of successful ENM relationships: strong pre-existing communication skills, high levels of relationship security, explicit negotiated agreements, and the ability to manage jealousy constructively. These are, notably, the same factors that predict success in monogamous relationships.

Common Misconceptions

"ENM is just cheating with extra steps"

The defining distinction between ENM and infidelity is consent. Cheating involves deception; ENM requires transparency. The psychological research supports this distinction: the harm associated with infidelity is primarily the betrayal of trust, not the sexual or emotional contact itself.

"ENM means you are unhappy in your relationship"

Studies do not support this. Couples enter ENM for a wide range of reasons, including curiosity, personal philosophy, complementary needs that no single partner can meet, or simple sexual adventurousness. Many ENM practitioners report that expanding their relationship structure increased, rather than decreased, intimacy with their primary partner.

"ENM is always about sex"

For many practitioners, particularly those in polyamorous structures, emotional connection is equally or more important than physical connection. The spectrum within ENM is wide, ranging from purely recreational swinging with minimal emotional investment to deeply committed multi-partner families.

Is ENM Right for Your Relationship?

There is no universal answer. ENM works well for couples who have a secure attachment foundation, excellent communication, and genuine curiosity — not couples who are hoping it will solve existing relationship problems. The research is consistent on this point: ENM does not fix a struggling relationship. It amplifies whatever is already there — the good and the difficult.

Couples considering ENM are typically advised by relationship counselors to start by having extended, honest conversations about their desires, fears, and boundaries before taking any action. Understanding why you want to explore, what you are hoping for, and what you are afraid of is essential groundwork.

For couples who have done that preparation and are ready to take the next step, DateMates provides the platform infrastructure — verified profiles, bilingual Hebrew-English communication, and privacy-first design — to connect with other couples who have done the same work.